How I Won the Lottery in 2010! (just kidding)

2010 was essentially my last year as lottery pool president. Well, it got old, you know. You try buying a lottery ticket twice a week for years, with nothing to show for it except instant recognition by the convenience store clerk, and see how it goes. You’d think the guy would give me a free one once in a while (ticket, that is), but no.

Feb. 3, 2010
Last week they found the body of a man who won $30 million in the Florida lottery buried under a concrete slab in some woman’s backyard. That’s what happens. When his ship came in, the waves also washed up a bunch of needy friends and relatives. So he hooked up with “Dee-Dee,” who offered to manage his money for him and managed a lot of it into her own bank account.

Although the body was found on her property, Dee-Dee swears she’s innocent. She only had the 30-foot concrete slab poured in the backyard, she says, to park her new boat and camper.

I must admit it doesn’t sound like the victim was a very nice man before he won $30 million. Still.

March 5, 2010
Let’s win one for Judy (the other Judy, who slipped on the ice and broke her hip in a dog-walking mishap and laid there in the cold unable to move until her husband came home unexpectedly in the middle of the day, thank God, and found her).

I told the other Judy we’d all try harder this week, because winning several million dollars might cheer her up. It would cheer me up. I don’t imagine she woke up Monday morning thinking she’d wind up lying in the snow immobile with just a clumsy, clueless dog for company. Who would? It’s a little like having grandkids. You know they’re going to hurt you, you just don’t know when or how.

May 14, 2010
I heard on the radio this morning that all doctors in Minnesota are trained in fish hook removal. That’s the kind of thing I want to know, and if we win the lottery, I might just buy a boat and go fishing. I like to wear a swimsuit in the boat, so I can tan and not worry too much about the fishing part. Also, I only like to catch sunfish, which don’t taste real fishy, and I’ll only fish near the shoreline, so I can go in when I want.

My prerequisites for fishing may have something to do with the fact that my parents were fanatics about it. We kids had to tag along because we couldn’t be trusted alone on shore, and if you didn’t like it, too bad. They’d take us out in the middle of some big, windy lake and wouldn’t come in until the fish stopped biting and maybe not then, even if you were really bored or had to pee.

And when we did get back to shore, we had to clean fish – usually just the scaling part, not the gutting part, but you ended up with fish scales in your hair all the same. Kids weren’t coddled back then. We had to dig dandelions out of the lawn too and pluck feathers off dead pheasants in the fall. It was a regular Oliver Twist existence.

It’s a wonder I still like to fish at all, but I kind of do. As long as I can go in when I want, which is usually when the wine coolers are gone.

June 16, 2010
I took three days off last week. It rained every day plus Saturday and Sunday. To quote The Beaver: life is not fair. Life won’t be fair if we win the lottery either, but I’ll bet you have more ways to get over the general unfairness of it all.

Jan. 5, 2011
You may have heard someone won a $355 million MegaMillions jackpot yesterday, and now you’re wondering, “Hey! Why aren’t we playing MegaMillions or whatever it is?” We aren’t playing MegaMillions because I never heard of it before this morning.

MegaMillions is a multi-state lottery similar to Powerball. I’m perfectly willing to jump on the MegaMillions bandwagon, but I cannot be the exalted leader of Powerball and MegaMillions too. I have a life, you know, such as it is. If anyone else wants to start a MegaMillions pool though, I’m in.

Today
…and that was the beginning of the end of Powerball and the beginning of the beginning of MegaMillions, which is the lottery of choice of our new pool president, who buys a ticket twice a week and also sends out funny emails documenting life with her boyfriend and her cats and the neighborhood kids who have no respect for lot lines. Fascinating stuff. She should start a blog.

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3 Responses to How I Won the Lottery in 2010! (just kidding)

  1. Nancy says:

    Judy, you’ll always be the powerball president to me. You’re irreplaceable, kind of like Geo. Washington.

    Like

  2. Jessica says:

    This is some of your best stuff, Mom! Awesome writing.

    Like

  3. LeeAnn says:

    Hey Judy, I’ve been reading your blog….this is great reading, very entertaining, I love it! I like to read about “memory lane”, or “remember when”…
    Where has all the time gone?

    Like

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